True Stories of a Real Barbie

Though it took me a while to get out of bed, I finally did and actually had an ok, but quiet, day. Honestly, I think today was my quietest day. Research lasted a bit longer, but I always love talking to Strolger about random stuff. The Band of Pride got distinguished (naturally) and are headed to State (like last year). It was weird watching them perform instead performing with them. Also, it’s sad because I don’t know everyone like I used to and I don’t think Manroe likes me as much anymore. Probably because I left for school. Or he never did. Whichever. Then I stayed in my room until 11pm and played a very strange game of table-tennis with Layne and it was hilarious and I enjoyed myself. Really, he brightens my day all the time. He’s a great friend. Read some crazy stuff in magazines out in the common area (hilarious stuff) and am now watching Harry Potter (hence all the spam. I’m not sorry =P you know you love it, or why would you be following, right?!). Still have lots of thoughts running around in my head, especially about…well…stuff-that-must-not-be-named. Four weeks of school left, summer, England in July, back for Senior/Sophomore year (God willing, anyway, with Dr. Neal’s class…) and who knows what else. I can’t wait! I feel like I’m standing still and doing nothing. I want to get out more, hang with people, talk, release these thoughts and feelings, etc. Eventually.

I seriously appreciate the conversations I am presented with unexpectedly that last for hours and consist of the most randomness. Who knows what happens when I leave but while I am there, I am happy and I am comfortable.

I’ve been posting a lot of personal stuff lately, which I stopped doing for a while, but apparently I have things I want to say that I can’t anymore (so it would seem). I’m the type of person who likes to talk everything out and when I can’t do that, I combust and lose control of myself. I think that is happening now. I feel so much weight on my shoulders, I feel as if there is so much left unsaid, and that I’m not living anymore. I pray about it and everything, but sometimes it’s nice to have some human interaction as well. I mean, we were made for companions, maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place…?! I don’t know. Anyway, sorry for the randomness…

My life seems to be continually falling apart. I’m not sure I’m going to make it to next semester. I’m tired mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It may be the fact that two weeks from tomorrow I’m done. It may be the fact that I can’t sleep (again!). It may be the fact that I seem to have TONS to do. It may be the fact that things seem to be continuously going wrong. It may be the fact that I lost a very dear friend (as in we aren’t friends anymore) and today reminded me how much I miss them. It may be the fact that this summer has the potential to be amazing the whole time or terrible at the beginning but an amazing end or terrible all the way through. It may be the fact that I’m over thinking. It may be the fact that I’m not sure who I am as a person at times. It may be the fact that I’m uncertain how people really view me. It may be the fact that I shouldn’t be thinking this deeply at this hour. It may be the fact that…I’ve run out of facts. Whatever it is, these next few weeks shall be the death of me (or so it would seem).

our relationship was built on lies. You took advantage of me when I was most down, vulnerable, etc. You did what most people warn women about: you played me. Now, you don’t even know me. And I’m thinking that’s just fine. I thought you’d be better, but that, too, was a lie.

Thoughts. Confusion. Lack of sleep. Finals. Projects. Papers. People. Pain. Loss. None of that compares to what I find in You. So, why can’t I remember that? Please remind me. Everyday. <3

People who don’t listen, especially to important information. That’s kind of why we had the meeting, to get things done. Now I know why no one knew I have a launch and anything else: you don’t listen. I’m glad the group project is almost over. I don’t hate anyone, but I know not to have this group again because we can’t work together. Oh well, it happens. TGIF

SO EXCITED! =D

Obviously I lied about the sleeping part. And the Imagination Theater part. But Prince of Persia isn’t a bad trade off and falling asleep to Pride and Prejudice works too. I think I’m only awake because I have so much I want to say and not really anyone to say it to and discuss these happenings of my life and my thoughts. Also, it’s the last week of Acad life for now. I seriously hope I didn’t blow anything and can pull off the grades I need. Exhaustion has seriously set in and taken it toll on me and now my work is paying for it, but I think my program and paper will be ok. I just have to beast these last two finals and presentation and I’m free. Let’s hope things work out. Going home shall be interesting either way, especially because of recent events. But more than less likely nothing will develop and that’s probably for the best. No matter how disappointing. But anyway, it’s not like anyone knows what I’m talking about. Aka, I need sleep (apparently).

Every time I read these long posts by Christians I follow I feel completely lame. Its probably just conviction of the Spirit or something of that nature but…idk, I feel like I’m not a good enough Christian, like they are better than me. Really, we are all in the same boat, but that’s not my point. Random musings I guess, but I want this to change. I want to feel like I’m doing something to further His kingdom but I’m totally not. About a month ago I was talking about posting my testimony either on here and Facebook or via YouTube but I haven’t. It’s seems that since then so much from my past has randomly popped into my head…I don’t even. It’s a scary prospect to really divulge into who I was compared to who I am. I really have changed but…I don’t know, it’s still scary. Anyway, randomness over. 

Vent Vent Vent Rant Rant Rant Complain Complain Complain Glad I got that out of my system.

I may be discouraged but I know I’ll somehow make it to the other side. I always do. I’m not sure how God does it, but He makes a way, He helps me clear my head, helps me take a deep breath, and dive right back in. The water seems extraordinarily deep but really, it’s all an optical allusion. Encouragement, peace, and guidance is on it’s way…or at least, I hope it is.

So, naturally, I got a C on my Bio final and leave discouraged, sad, disappointed, etc. I was afraid that, with this grade, I wouldn’t get a B is the class to ensure one of the grades I need to continue at the Acad. I decide I should go on Blackboard to see if I can’t predict me grade and what do I find? All the grades are in and I have a lovely B for my final grade! Matthew 11: 28-30 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” He certainly isn’t joking! Oh so excited! That means I now have 2 of the 5 grades needed to ensure my stay here at the Acad! Praise the Lord! I will dance I will sing to be mad for my King. Nothing, Lord, is hindering this passion in my soul! And I’ll become Even more undignified than this, some may say it’s foolishness. But I’ll become even more undignified than this, leave my pride by my side. ~David Crowder Band, Undignified